Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
You Might Also Like
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!