Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
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Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
The sacred texts.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs