Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
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I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR