I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
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Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.