“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery