Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
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Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
there has never been a better use of this meme
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse