looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
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6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”