I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
It’s the weekend y’all
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Copy Editor is a rewording career.