I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
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If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
incredible text to wake up to
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
a public service announcement
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.