when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
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Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Hot hot hot 🥵
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂