C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
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Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank