My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
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I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Hitlers gonna hitl
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.