If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.