me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie