DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
You Might Also Like
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor