Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
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All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t