Lmao
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When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.