*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.