My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.