My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
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I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I’m already scared
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it