I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
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They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Cake safety first. Always.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
This is enough internet for the day.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.