Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
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Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.