Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
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I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
The Struggle
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Dietest Coke
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
My dog learned how to text
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm