BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
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so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit