“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
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[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
new wife guy just dropped
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Art by Pastelkatto
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.