Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
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Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
All generalizations are stupid.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun