Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
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Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic