imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
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Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
No. He’s not coming out to play
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.