Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
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The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.