I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
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TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Strangers have the best candy.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.