Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.