Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
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Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.