Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
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This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.