[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
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dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I only treason on days ending in y
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Good advice.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then