Does beer think about me too?
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If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law