Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
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[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*