Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
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* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives