I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
You Might Also Like
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
me adding lol on a serious message
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Has science gone too far?
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation