My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
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People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Tell me you get it…🤣
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.