The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
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best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
#SaturdayBears
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.