Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
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My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no