We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?