*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
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A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager