observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
You Might Also Like
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud