I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
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[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN