Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
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3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??