cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
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I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.