What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
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My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I put the p in pants.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.