[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?