jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
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Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.